Everything I ever needed to know about parenting, I learned from America's Funniest Home Videos. Ok, that isn't exactly true- I've also learned some stuff from Sesame Street. But the important stuff? The make-sure-your-house-doesn't-turn-into-Lord-of-the-Flies kind of stuff? That I learned from the videos. For example, never ever ever ever lay down on the couch and close your eyes while in the presence of your children. There are videos of toddlers whacking their dads in the groin with adorable plastic mini-golf clubs, preschoolers practicing wrestling moves on sleeping parents, and teens making loud noises to be funny.
In fact, there are so many of these videos that I have come to believe it actually has to do with evolution. When a child comes upon an adult laying on the couch, they see this as an act of submission, something they must then test. Usually they do this by doing something that will get the parent really pissed off, like covering the adult's face in whip cream. Likewise, in the wild, when a bear cub discovers an older bear asleep, the young bear senses vulnerability, and like a human child, will instinctively want to test it. They may do this by growling, pouncing, or using an adorable plastic mini-golf club to whack papa bear in the groin.
So I really should have been more aware of trouble looming when I lay down on the couch to "rest my eyes." I knew my 4 year-old daughter wouldn't do anything to hurt me, and I was just so tired. She wouldn't whack me on the head, or use pots as cymbals, and we don't own any mini-golf clubs, so what could she possibly do? Let's just say she got a little crafty.
As I lay in my groggy state, my lovely daughter approached me and told me I was beautiful. Awwww, I thought. She is so sweet! I know realize this was her way of getting me off-guard. "Can I brush your hair, mama?" Seriously, is this kid not the greatest? I let myself sink a little deeper into unconciousness while she did this. "Can I put make-up on your face, mama?" Why not? "Ok, let me go get my make-up."
If I had been more aware, that would have been a red flag for me. She doesn't have any make-up, so what was she headed off to get? Unfortunately, I wasn't more aware, and I let her get whatever it was she was getting. She came back and started stroking my forehead. Then she started putting "make-up" on my forehead. In my vulnerable state of mind, I actually thought it was kind of like getting a facial. Whatever she was doing felt kind of nice, and I can't remember the last time I got a real facial. It all seemed like fun, mother-daughter bonding.
Then she announced she was done and told me to go to the mirror to see my "make-up." Suddenly, I realized this was probably not good. I opened my eyes and saw her hands full of marking pens. Oh no. I got to the mirror. My forehead had hearts and circles all over it. Many different colors. And these were not the "washable" markers.
It took several washes to get all the ink off, but I really had no one to blame but myself. I decided to just take it in stride. I have learned my lesson, though, and I will be more careful about getting drowsy in front of my child. But I'm not too worried- she's not a bear cub. And just to be safe, we won't be America's Funniest Home Videos until after bedtime.
~Lexie